An Open Letter to the World

Dear World,

Hey. It’s us, America. Looks like we really stepped in it this time, way worse than when we fucked up Iraq. And the vast majority of us are sooooooo sorry.

We’ve always been a bit hard to handle. In our infancy we were actually pretty brutal, breaking lots of nice things on our way to independence. Still, we created a set of ideals that we tried to perfect and in the process inspired a lot of you guys to become better countries in your own right. Some of you actually even looked up to us from time to time. We liked that. Unfortunately, it kind of went to our head. It actually looked like we were finally growing up a little bit these past few years, but unfortunately it seems we didn’t bypass the nasty teen phase after all- either that or someone spiked our drink and we’re having a serious bout of roid rage.

So we inflicted Donald Trump on everyone and everything on the planet. No, not all of us. Not even a majority of us if you want the truth. Less than a third of all the people in America bought into the con act Trump laid down for us, but somehow, someway, that was enough to get this imbecile we now call the President into office. But how it happened is less important than that it happened and now we’re all in the shit bowl together. All of us Americans, that is. Hopefully the rest of you can avoid our embarrassingly public bowel movement. It is, actually, vital that you do.

For the sake of humanity and the rest of the planet, please, please, PLEASE pretend we aren’t really here. At least until we get rid of this problem of ours. Trump and his ilk want to isolate America? Please help him do so. Refuse to be provoked by his antics. Be the better nation. Take those good things we used to stand for and that you now stand for and take over where we have to leave off, if only for a bit.

I know…..easy to say, hard to do. I get it, especially if President Cheeto tries to go all ballistic with the military and does something really stupid (unless the military has the balls and common sense to object). But even then, if you could mete out measured responses that will minimize civilian destruction, most of us would really appreciate it. And in the long run, it’ll be better for you too- morally, ethically, globally.

We’ve handed off our mantle of Guardian of Freedom and Justice in favor of a cheap tiara and a self printed sash that proclaims we’re number one (even though we’re the only ones in the contest and the only ones casting votes.) So now it’s up to the rest of you to look out for global equality and military restraint, for the environment and the displaced, for the differences in all cultures and the dignity of all people. You’ll also need to take the ball of the world economy because it looks like dealing with Team Trump will not be in your best interests. We’re pretty much screwed over here. No reason you should be too. Oh, and if some of you can try to stave off any major attempts at our issue here becoming some kind of international trend while we’re indisposed, that’d be great too.

Did I mention how sorry we are? For those of us who tried to stop this, we know it’s mostly a matter of time before the people who voted for this beast come asking for forgiveness. We’ll deal with that on our end when we can. But for now, just know that every day more and more American’s are feeling the same shock and disdain that you all must be feeling. Well, most of you at least. I think there are probably a few despots still out there who might deceive themselves into thinking they can work with President Snowflake over here. Let me save those despots sometime- you can’t. Even you are better off standing aside and pretending you can’t see us over here.

Please know we are resisting over here already. So there is that. Best case scenario for everyone is some kind of unforeseen medical tragedy sooner than later. Barring that, we have people over hear targeting impeachment. If that fails we’re looking at a minimum of two years of political enablers pushing America down the drain. Don’t toss us a life ring. Let us swirl. The worse it gets over here the better all our odds are of getting an opposition congress to stymie the second half of Our National Nightmare. After that it’s an electoral loss and we can reemerge broken, damaged, but ready to play nice again. And hopefully you’ll let us back in a little bit at a time. I mean, how many times have we rode to the rescue over the years for some of you?

But for now I beg of you….we all beg of you….shun us, isolate us, refuse to be provoked by us for as long as Donald Trump wears that tiara. Because in the end, that may be the only way we all survive this moment in time.

I did apologize right? So very sorry…….

Sincerely Ashamed of Ourselves For Causing All This Trouble,


#lettertotheworld #wearesosorry #redbluepurpleus



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